Metaaa-lliicaa!!!

Max Koljonen — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 13:24:33 +0000

Just secured my tickets for the show in Tallinn, Estonia. Tell me, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ALIVE?!!!

LET’S GO RANGERS!!!

Max Koljonen — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 23:46:17 +0000

I’m back! 2010 in the hizzy, and what a great way to start the year. I just happened to take the New York Rangers all the way to the Stanley Cup finals –AND WIN!!! This took quite some time. Three weeks, but it felt so good to see my team pick up that trophy.

Now that I have made it all the way with the Rangers on my Xbox 360, I have some advise for Tortorella an the “real” Rangers. Put Avery on the first line with Dubinsky and Gaborik and have Michael Sauer (a real sniper on the blue line) with Staal as the first defensive pair.

I haven’t written in a while, but this actually feels as dull as I was afraid it would. So what are my 2010 plans? Publish my novel and watch TV, as it will be a great year for sports. I also want to get a little less depressed, maybe by seeing a therapist. I might also travel. Metallica are playing in Poland in June. I might go and check them out and do Auschwitz and some other WW2 sites that I’d been wanting to see for a long time while I’m in the neighborhood.

THE ASSEMBLY…

Max Koljonen — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:16:25 +0000

I spent the day assembling a cross bike, which is a combo between your normal stationary bike and an elliptical trainer. I got it from an outlet for fifty bucks. It was so cheap that I didn’t even bother to test the thing in the store. The only thing I checked was how the bike part of the machine rolled. I’ve had a stationary bike before, but it was one that had the magnetic wheel, something or other, that really sucked. It felt like riding a bike with your legs asleep. I wanted this one to be like the spinning bikes at the gym, and it was. How it actually differs from the other models, I do not know. Alls I know is that it is more pleasant pedaling one without the magnetic shit thing…

This is what it looked like at one point...

I was afraid that I would have to assemble the thing with my Leatherman, since all my tools are at the summer home, but the box came equipped with the tools necessary to complete the project. I started to assemble the thing at around noon. At two o’clock the thing was assembled and I took it for a spin. It was horrible, my knees kept hitting the elliptical poles and pedaling it was like pedaling a Russian WW2 motorcycle. Since the machine was so outrageously cheap, the store had a no return policy. I would’ve actually paid someone another fifty bucks to haul that monstrosity out from my living room. I also purchased a spike mat, a thing you lay on and it relieves pain and relaxes you. Like acupuncture it works for a number of different things. It releases endorphins, which was the biggest reason why I bought the thing, to fight my depression. I tested it, and it was fucking nirvana. I fell asleep after only a few minutes and woke up thirty minutes later refreshed and happy.

I took another look at the cross bike after my nap. I changed the seat position, and pedaling started to feel more smoother. In fact, it was almost a joy to pedal it, but the elliptical part of the thing still ruined the whole ordeal. So I unscrewed the elliptical pole things from the pedals and took them off completely. Now it worked as a spinning bike, and pretty well too. The problem was that without a handlebar, it was pretty hard to pedal and sit up straight. I looked at all the parts I had left and designed some changes to the thing. I turned the elliptical pole things to a magazine rack and a thing I could hold on to while riding. It worked great. The problem was that when I was finished I glanced at my clock. It was 10 PM. I didn’t want to start exercising that late, so I just grabbed the spike mat and my iPod and went to bed, where I am typing these words right now. Synchronize CHECK!!!

STEP UP OR SHUT UP!

Max Koljonen — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 19:50:01 +0000

During the past few days I’ve slept and then slept some more. Thank God it’s Sunday, and I can tell myself to calm down, that tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. Sleeping is nice, but it is basically the same as fast forwarding through your life. You’ll never get those hours and days back. During the last years I’v put on a few, to say the least, pounds that is. I promised myself that if I survive the whole blood clot thing, that eventually turned out to be nothing more than a cramp, that I would start to exercise a little more. Yesterday I went jogging and took a long walk. The jog was actually a jog only for the first few blocks before it transformed into a brisk walk. Walking is, believe it or not, better than jogging, unless of course you’re Lance Armstrong or someone with a similar tolerance for physical strain. When we normal, out-of-shape, couch potatoes go jogging, our heart rate jumps too high. What this means is that we don’t burn fat. A good measuring system is, if you’re out of breath, -you’re doing too much. When the heart rate is too high you only build more muscles, meaning basically that you’re putting on weight. This is one of the hardest things for me. I am very competitive, and I like to push myself to the edge, whether it be cycling or jogging or anything else. I always measure my distance with GPS and try to break my records. I am a man of steel. I have six-pack abs. The only problem is that they are covered by a layer of fat. Quite a layer actually. So what I need to do, and this is something I’ve researched, so you can take this to the bank, is to just burn the fat of without adding any muscle.

"I lost so much weight that my head is too big for my body..."

Tom Hanks lost 50 lb. for Castaway. He did it by basically walking on a treadmill all day and having some All-Bran cereal. Christian Bale dropped his weight for The Machinist by eating a can of tuna and an apple a day. He avoided any exercise. When David Bowie was at his thinnest, he only ate bell peppers and milk. So what I have to do is to do some sort of light exercise. Walking is the best, but it is really boring unless you do it while shopping. I decided to get some kind of aerobic step board, and pop in a season of some TV-show on DVD and just step for twelve hours a day. I have researched online and those step boards can be quite expensive, so unless I find one tomorrow that fits my budget, I’ll make one out of a stack of shelves or some bricks or a yoga mat wrapped around some bricks. It’s not rocket science. The important thing to remember is that it shouldn’t slide from under you or scratch your hardwood floor. I have in my basement a bookshelf. If I take only the removable shelves, which are about an inch thick and about 2.5 feet long, I can easily stack them on top of each other and voilà! -a step board. I still have to make sure that the thing will be stable, so I might have to tape them together. In order for me not to completely ruin the shelves, I first have to cover them with something before I apply the tape. Maybe wrap some newspapers around the stack before the tape, or an old towel. Then I’ll tape the thing with vinyl or duct tape. I want to make it a tight package. After this you should test the thing. If you’re lucky, the duct tape will work by itself and this makeshift step board wont slide from under you. It all depends on the type of floor you have. Move it around the floor with your foot. If it slides, we have to think of a solution. I have some anti-slide rubber mats under my carpets that’ll work for me. If you don’t care about your floors that much, you could duct tape the whole thing down to the floor. Wow, this was my first how-to article…

Anyway, my plan, a MISSION you might call it, is to step up and down on this thing for the next 25 days, and buy myself a nice navy blue suit a few sizes smaller. I have some festivities coming up, including christmas duh, where a suit is needed. I have some suits, don’t get me wrong. I even have a tuxedo, but there’s nothing like a new suit that fits you perfectly.

¿SEINFIELD?

Max Koljonen — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:33:09 +0000

This is just a good moment of television. I am too tired to write anything right now. Thank God for Curb Your Enthusiasm bringing the cast of Seinfeld back together for a reunion show. The season finale was a week ago, and it was amazing. I miss Seinfeld (the show), but also Seinfeld (the man).

DINGLEBERRY…

Max Koljonen — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 05:57:20 +0000

I don’t know if it’s just me, or is this the funniest youtube video ever? I like The Cranberries and I was checking out some footage from their new tour on youtube when I stumbled upon this golden nugget. I laughed so hard that I had to take a few hits from my asthma inhaler. The funny stuff is right in the beginning…

CONTINENTAL DIVIDE (1981)

Max Koljonen — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 22:12:56 +0000

I let my wife choose the movie we watch almost all the time (from a stack of DVD’s that I’ve selected). I know that she will always say no to the first one I present her with, so I left Continental Divide further back in the pile that I held in my arms. After she’d said no to a number of choices, I popped that sucker in the DVD player.

A Chicago reporter, Ernie Souchak (Belushi), is investigating a corrupt city councilman. After doing an expose on some corrupt land dealings by the councilman, he is assaulted by two crooked police officers sent by the councilman, and ends up in the hospital.

It might have been a mistake, but through watching this movie, I have grown a bit. Live and learn they say, and I do hope the makers of this one did. I was surprised to see that it was written by Lawrence Kasdan and executive produced by none other than Steven Spielberg. We all know Kasdan’s work as a writer from such movies as: The Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Return of the Jedi, The Big Chill, The Accidental Tourist and Grand Canyon to name a few. He is no doubt one of the great ones out there, The Accidental Tourist being one of my favorite films. I am a fan of John Belushi. Some people say I look like him, and I take it as a compliment nonetheless.

His editor decides to send him out of town for his own safety. Souchak reluctantly travels to the Rockies to interview Dr. Nell Porter (Brown), who has been conducting research on bald eagles for several years.

I love movies about city slickers in the woods, my favorite being perhaps The Great Outdoors, and looking at the poster for Continental Divide, one might think that this movie would be similar. I don’t know what Lawrence Kasdan was smoking when he wrote this screenplay. It just isn’t funny. I laughed maybe three times, and those few times it was simply because of Belushi. I don’t really understand the genre of this movie. Is it a comedy? If it is, why are all the scenes cut just when they are getting funny.

Belushi climbing a mountain? –This should be funny!

“An attempt was made during the promotional phase of the film’s release to sell Belushi and Brown as ‘the new Hepburn and Tracy’, calling to mind the gutsy creative chemistry and double-act performances of those yesteryear actors (source: wikipedia)”. The movie was in a way sort of like one of those old romantic comedies, that never actually were that funny, but casting John Belushi seemed like an odd choice. Kasdan wrote Belushi’s character as a newspaper columnist just about as poorly and naively as I did with my main character in my upcoming book Little Danger. It doesn’t hurt the movie, but once Belushi was out of the woods and back in Chicago and there still was half an hour to go, it got really boring. Belushi’s boss was another nice cliché, making sure everyone knew that he had a paper to run. He says it literally like fifteen times during the movie. Belushi was good, but with nothing funny to work with, his job was almost impossible. The movie dragged on and on, and in the end you don’t care if they end up together or not.

Bears attack the camp. Another potentially funny scene, but no laughs. It's like they didn't want anyone to laugh during this movie. The scene is cut short and we move along just as it was getting interesting.

The only laughs you'll have watching this movie are the occasional Belushi moments when he makes a funny face or something else clearly unscripted.

Another potentially funny scene, but nooo...

Looks funny right? This can't be unfunny, unless of course you decide to fade to black... yes they did!

Based on these pictures, this movie looks like it’s a riot, but unfortunately it isn’t. Was it a complete waste of time then? Well no. John Belushi left us way too young and he didn’t get a chance to leave much of a legacy behind him, so we should enjoy everything there is. John Belushi was superb in this movie and deserves a lot of credit for his work, but watching this movie, you get a feeling like there were too many chefs making this thing. I have to admit that I got a little bored towards the end of the movie, but otherwise I didn’t exactly spend the time glancing at my wristwatch. If you’re a fan of Belushi or like the look of early eighties movies, I recommend this one. If you just want to laugh, rent The Great Outdoors, City Slickers or even Troop Beverly Hills.

THE WRATH OF GOD, –OR WHATEVER…

Max Koljonen — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:45:27 +0000

There’s always something that comes between you and the healthy lifestyle you’ve chosen to start living. This time I was going to get a gym membership, but alas the memberships at my local gym are for six months, and there’s no way in hell I’m paying for a “season membership” that ends in December. This means that I have to wait until January to get a membership. I have been a member at another gym a few times. Canceling your membership is harder than trying to leave the mafia. My former gym wouldn’t accept my resignation until I was able to prove them that I had moved to another city.

I bought a pair of glasses today. The cheapest ones I could find. This is the first time in my life that I buy cheap glasses. My first pair were by Hugo Boss, then I had Giorgio Armani, Chanel, Gucci, Romeo Gigli and J.Lindeberg, which I am using at the moment. I always used a pair until I broke them. Never have I had two pairs going at the same time. These new ones are pretty cool, sort of Larry Davidish round gunmetal frames. Then I bought some DVD’s on Sale. I bought a John Belushi box set, a double-pack with Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers and a movie with Paul Reiser and Peter Falk called The Thing About My Folks. I traded the movies for some animal skins and a dead rabbit. It was a fair trade. The Belushi box set contains Animal House, Blues Brothers and Continental Divide. I haven’t seen Continental Divide, but the other two are classics. I actually bought the box set because of this movie Continental Divide. I might even have a copy of Animal House in my collection. Now I’m just waiting for my wife to come home from work so that we can watch one of these movies. I’ll let her decide, like she usually does, but I’ll be pushing her either The Thing About My Folks or Continental Divide.

THE TRAILER FOR CONTINENTAL DIVIDE… (looks awesome! I’ll write a review once I’ve seen it)

I’M STILL STANDING…

Max Koljonen — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:21:27 +0000

All's well that ends well...

Hello… I’m back. The test results came back negative. I’m not dying… So, what now you ask? –I tell you what now. Tomorrow or in the near future, I will march to my local gym… scratch that. I will drive to my local gym and buy myself a membership. Then I will do cardio, cardio and cardio, until I look like Gerard Butler. I will buy myself gifts every week to congratulate me for my efforts and to keep my motivation going. I was about to die only twelve hours ago, and someone answered my prayers. It is time to pay back to the almighty or whoever saved my ass, by not falling into a similar situation again. I sent the day sleeping since I didn’t sleep for a second last night. My wife is making Swedish meatballs and we are going to watch a movie. Life is pretty good once again. Prettyyy, prettyy, pretty good…

IF THIS IS IT…

Max Koljonen — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:13:03 +0000

It’s 3. AM, and I can’t sleep. It seems that I actually might have a blood clot in my leg. I spent the last five hours surfing online, doing research about it. I decided to write this post so that I’d have something to keep me calm. I’m trying to keep my mind off the fact that I have a clot working its way up to my heart, lungs or brain. I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was going to die young. The pain that was in my calf is now above my knee. I have a headache in the right side of my brain, which is REALLY freaking me out. I called a 24/7 hospital, but they urged me to wait until morning and then see my own doctor. Why couldn’t they have told me that I was crazy. “You’re crazy, get outta here with your Deep Vein Thrombosis!”

I might have to check out this one...

3.09 AM. I’m still alive. Four hours and fifty minutes more. Then I can collapse in the arms of my doctor. If anything were to happen to me, God help me JESUS, tell my wife I love her more than anything in the world, and that I’ll be watching over her. I want to be cremated and I want my wife to get the ashes. When she dies, I want her ashes to be mixed with mine. I do not want my ashes to be spread anywhere, nor do I want to be buried. Tell my mother that I am sorry for everything, and tell my father to stay strong. We’ll be playing golf together again some day, dad! My sister, I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass towards you. I love you too. The rest of my immediate family too.

3.16 AM. I’m still alive. It was tough writing that last paragraph. I actually thought for a second that I was actually going to die. I should try and keep my spirits high. If something goes terribly wrong, and I end up on life support or something similar, where the question of whether or not my plug should be pulled comes up, DON’T TOUCH MY FUCKING PLUG ASSHOLES!!! I’m more than happy lying there with tubes sticking out of me. Put a television in front of me and pay me a visit from time to time. Don’t you dare pull that plug though…

3.20 AM. I’m just staring at the clock… That fucking headache wont quit…

3.22 AM. There’s just not much I can do besides wait. Sitting here and thinking about when I should inform my parents of this thing. What if there’s nothing wrong with me? I would feel like such a schmuck. The worst case scenario if obviously death. Then maybe being paralyzed from one side of your body (something that might happen). Would that really be such a bad thing? I could retire and get my mom off my back. She’s always on me about getting a job. She doesn’t understand that I actually have a job. I could learn to walk and talk again, like in Regarding Henry. I wouldn’t have to bother about diets anymore. Who would have the balls to walk up to a paralyzed person, and tell them that they could lose a few? I could park on handicapped zones. I would have to get some car for retards though, and I couldn’t drive stick-shifted anymore.

4.38 AM. I’m still alive, but I’ve been reading about these blood clots online. This is some serious shit. People die… –And I can’t get this fucking headache to go away.

6.54 AM. The headache is gone… I feel like I might’ve panicked for no reason at all. No I feel like I almost have to get the bad news from the doctor so that I don’t come off as a total moron. I made a panicked phone call to my father at 4.54 AM. I told him that I might have a blood clot, and that I might die. Wouldn’t it be stupid if I didn’t? I will nonetheless go to my doctor in an hour to make sure I’m alright. My leg is still pretty fucked up, so I guess there still is a chance I have a blood clot, but be that as it may, if I come out of this thing alive, I will change my lifestyle completely. I have witnessed something that only a few will. The rest of you wont live to tell the tale. I have been face to face with the grim reaper. I have seen the light. It is now 7 AM. If this is to be my last post on this blog, I want to thank everyone who’ve enjoyed my stuff. I also hope that you will all buy my book Little Danger that will be published post mortem. Please make it a bestseller. Let it be the next A Confederacy of Dunces…